My Life (So Far) Since 50

I think I get somewhat introspective toward the end of the year. Maybe it’s the cool, gray fall days that make me more reflective. As I read through my post of my life in thirds, I realized that there have been some significant changes in the last four years. Yet so many of the things that I’ve struggled with my whole adult life are still the things that I’ve wrestling with.

We are empty-nesters most of the time. Our son lives nearby with his wife and child. Our youngest daughter lives in Salt Lake City. Our oldest daughter is living in India for a year and has plans to go there again next year after spending a couple of months at home.

I did not ever think that I would suffer the worst year of my life while in my 50s. Somehow, I felt that my “golden life” would continue. I don’t know why I thought I would end up going through life unscathed. Although I won’t go into details at this point, let me just say that there are some pains that seem worse than dealing with a death. I know I haven’t been through a lot of deaths in our family, and I’m not trying to minimize anyone’s pain. But betrayal is a pain that is purposely inflicted and is meant to cut deeply. Especially when it comes from someone who is so deeply loved.

My relationship with God has been truly tested. I think I almost lost my faith in Him; that He is who He says He is, and I can’t pick and choose what to believe. I almost lost my hope, which is a deadly place to be. He cradled me in His arms when the pain first began, but I decided to try it on my own. I wanted to be in “fix it” mode, but the situation was out of my control. I spiraled downward, not telling anyone the pain that I was feeling and that I felt I had truly failed at being a mom. God picked me back up when I finally cried out to him. The path is not always easy, but I now truly know that being in a solid relationship with God is the only place that I want to be. I know He’s real because I felt the emptiness when I turned away from Him.

My focus has ended up being on me during these last few years. However, I am still a mom. I can’t kiss all the hurts away, but my girls still call or text me if they’re not feeling well. I’m still one of the first they’ll contact with good news or sadness.  I do enjoy being a mom. And I enjoy being their friend.

I am not involved in a whole lot of service work. I don’t have the gift of service and it’s hard for me to feel like I fit into certain situations. I am still on the worship team at our church, singing and playing the keyboard. I’m not an accomplished musician by any means, but I am thrilled that I was able to learn how to play chords. I don’t think I would have done it if Steve hadn’t said, “Mom, I really need a keyboard player on my team. Just try it.” So, a book from Amazon on how to play chords…and I was set, at least for playing basic chords!

I want to tap into my creative side more now that I have so much spare time. My true desires are to paint pictures, both realistic and abstract, and to sculpt with clay. I have all of the supplies I need to get started, but I am letting fear stand in my way. Fear of failure or fear of success? Either way, I need to conquer that fear by just stepping out and doing something. I think that even though I am a messy person, I am a perfectionist. Therefore, if I don’t feel that I can do it right, I have a difficult time starting something.

I am still moving forward. Our marriage is probably the best it’s ever been. Not that it’s always perfect, but we know how to work through our difficulties quickly and nearly painlessly. We are both striving for the same goals in life, but we both have issues to overcome. Some days, it feels like we haven’t made much progress at all in over 30 years. But if we truly look at where we are, we can see how we’ve been blessed and that God is still working in and through us.

Through it all, I need to be sure to take a step back and look at the whole picture of my life. Through the struggles, through the pain, I will still continue to say that life is good. Because it truly is.

“My heart will choose to say, Lord, Blessed be your Name”.   (“Blessed Be Your Name”, Matt Redman)

My Life in Thirds: How I've Been Defined

I wrote this just over 4 years ago, shortly before I turned 50. Since the basic idea is still the same, I’ve decided to post this pretty much as it was written. Next week, I will do a follow up on the next 4 years. Life can definitely take a turn from what was expected.  The following is my original post.

August 22, 2009

0--25: Childhood, school, young adult, jobs, college, early years of marriage. Life was good. Became a Christian at age 20. Married at 21. The only life-altering negative thing to happen was the stillbirth of our first son when I was 24.

25--50: Parenthood. From age 25-47, had infants through school-age children. Chose to home school. Leadership in children-related areas: nursery and children’s church, Sunday School, Mom’s Morning Out, Home School Group, 4-H, Youth Group. Worship team vocals. 10 years raising miniature horses, realizing now that it‘s time to downsize; it‘s now more of a chore than an enjoyment. Two adult children still living at home, although they come and go often. Marriage is still strong; enjoying adult relationships with our children.

50--75 (and beyond): Although I haven’t officially reached 50 (5 months to go), I have to look forward to the next 25 years. I want to claim these years as my own. I know that I have grown a lot during my first 50 years, but my focus can be different now. 18 of my first 25 years, I was pretty much under someone else’s control. The next 25 years, my focus was on our children. Having the focus be on me doesn’t mean that I will be a selfish person, but that I won’t need to consider so many others as I make my choices. What do I want to do? That is my problem right now. I have thoughts and ideas, but I think I’m scared to step out and do things.

Throughout my adult life, I’ve struggled with moodiness and slight depression. It was bad enough that it did affect others around me, especially my children. I don’t think that I did irreparable damage, but it still hurts and makes me feel guilty when I remember it. I know that Tim has been affected by it, too, especially early on in our marriage. And when the kids were young, there were times that I was so angry that I just got in the car and drove away. There was something that made me go back, though, because a part of me just wanted to keep driving and lose myself to all who knew me. I am so thankful to have a husband who loves me unconditionally; I know I’ve tested him.

Now that I’m close to 50, I feel a heaviness around me. I don’t really think it’s age-related, but it may be somewhat of an empty-nest thing. I don’t understand that, though, since I do enjoy being by myself and having evenings with just Tim. I think I just feel like I’m on hold and I’m waiting for something to happen. I tend to live for the next big thing to come up and right now, there’s not anything new on the horizon for me.

Right now, I almost feel that my focus needs to be at home. Which is kind of funny to me, since we’ll have a definite empty nest for about three months. But I just feel that maybe I need to get myself in order before I can really take part in any area of ministry. Maybe I can be selfish for a year or so to bring myself back into focus.

Priorities change, callings shift. I think it's good to sit back and take a good look at our lives. How are we doing? Are we focusing on what's really important? Are we stuck in a rut, doing what we've always done just because we've always done it? Have we prayed about what God wants us to do? Change can be hard, but it can be fulfilling, too. We just need to be willing to let God work in and through us, even if it's hard to let go of what's familiar. 

Introduction To My New Blog: The View Beyond 50

Another blog. Why does there have to be yet another blog, written by an everyday person who lives her life pretty much like everyone else does? What can she have to say that hasn’t already been said before in countless different ways that all sound pretty much the same?

I have always been an analytical-type person. I like to figure out why things happen and why people react the way they do. Sometimes, that gets me in trouble because I don’t necessarily know the whole story. Luckily, the person I like to analyze the most is myself. When I was about to turn 50, I felt very unsettled. I was a stay-at-home mom with no kids living at home with me. My purpose for the previous 25 years or so was to be a mom to our three kids. Yes, there were other important things in my life, such as being a wife, but being a mom was my main focus during that time. Yes, I know I’m still a mom and will always be one. But it’s different now.

During this time, I wrote a note called “My Life in Thirds”. That note, slightly revised, will be my first actual blog post (I consider this just an introduction, although technically it is also a blog post). My writings will mostly be about me and what I’ve been through. I am hoping not to come off as being judgmental of others. Just because I chose to do things one way doesn’t in any way mean that others have done things wrong. I know I’ve not always done things the best or the easiest way. But I did things the way I thought was best. Sometimes, though, I knew my way wasn’t best, but it was all I could handle at the time.
This blog will not be a confessional about all the good or bad things that have happened in my life. I will not be sharing a daily journal (if I kept a daily journal!) with all of life's details. When I share something, it will be because I feel that someone will be able to learn from something that's gone on in my life and how I've responded to it. If nothing else, maybe someone will feel that they're not the only one who feels the way I've felt and that they're not alone in their journey. Along with life's lessons, there will be posts on random thoughts that I've had along the way, too. I am not an activist so my posts should stay pretty mellow, yet hopefully still thought provoking.

I invite you to follow along as I share life with you. If you like something I’ve written about, please share my blog on Facebook and invite others to read along. I welcome comments and critiques, but please be kind. Writing will open myself up to being vulnerable. But I am willing to be open to hopefully help others by what I’ve learned along the pathway of growing older. Life really is good.

I hope to post a new blog each week, so I guess I’d better get writing.