My Life in Thirds: How I've Been Defined

I wrote this just over 4 years ago, shortly before I turned 50. Since the basic idea is still the same, I’ve decided to post this pretty much as it was written. Next week, I will do a follow up on the next 4 years. Life can definitely take a turn from what was expected.  The following is my original post.

August 22, 2009

0--25: Childhood, school, young adult, jobs, college, early years of marriage. Life was good. Became a Christian at age 20. Married at 21. The only life-altering negative thing to happen was the stillbirth of our first son when I was 24.

25--50: Parenthood. From age 25-47, had infants through school-age children. Chose to home school. Leadership in children-related areas: nursery and children’s church, Sunday School, Mom’s Morning Out, Home School Group, 4-H, Youth Group. Worship team vocals. 10 years raising miniature horses, realizing now that it‘s time to downsize; it‘s now more of a chore than an enjoyment. Two adult children still living at home, although they come and go often. Marriage is still strong; enjoying adult relationships with our children.

50--75 (and beyond): Although I haven’t officially reached 50 (5 months to go), I have to look forward to the next 25 years. I want to claim these years as my own. I know that I have grown a lot during my first 50 years, but my focus can be different now. 18 of my first 25 years, I was pretty much under someone else’s control. The next 25 years, my focus was on our children. Having the focus be on me doesn’t mean that I will be a selfish person, but that I won’t need to consider so many others as I make my choices. What do I want to do? That is my problem right now. I have thoughts and ideas, but I think I’m scared to step out and do things.

Throughout my adult life, I’ve struggled with moodiness and slight depression. It was bad enough that it did affect others around me, especially my children. I don’t think that I did irreparable damage, but it still hurts and makes me feel guilty when I remember it. I know that Tim has been affected by it, too, especially early on in our marriage. And when the kids were young, there were times that I was so angry that I just got in the car and drove away. There was something that made me go back, though, because a part of me just wanted to keep driving and lose myself to all who knew me. I am so thankful to have a husband who loves me unconditionally; I know I’ve tested him.

Now that I’m close to 50, I feel a heaviness around me. I don’t really think it’s age-related, but it may be somewhat of an empty-nest thing. I don’t understand that, though, since I do enjoy being by myself and having evenings with just Tim. I think I just feel like I’m on hold and I’m waiting for something to happen. I tend to live for the next big thing to come up and right now, there’s not anything new on the horizon for me.

Right now, I almost feel that my focus needs to be at home. Which is kind of funny to me, since we’ll have a definite empty nest for about three months. But I just feel that maybe I need to get myself in order before I can really take part in any area of ministry. Maybe I can be selfish for a year or so to bring myself back into focus.

Priorities change, callings shift. I think it's good to sit back and take a good look at our lives. How are we doing? Are we focusing on what's really important? Are we stuck in a rut, doing what we've always done just because we've always done it? Have we prayed about what God wants us to do? Change can be hard, but it can be fulfilling, too. We just need to be willing to let God work in and through us, even if it's hard to let go of what's familiar.