My Life (So Far) Since 50

I think I get somewhat introspective toward the end of the year. Maybe it’s the cool, gray fall days that make me more reflective. As I read through my post of my life in thirds, I realized that there have been some significant changes in the last four years. Yet so many of the things that I’ve struggled with my whole adult life are still the things that I’ve wrestling with.

We are empty-nesters most of the time. Our son lives nearby with his wife and child. Our youngest daughter lives in Salt Lake City. Our oldest daughter is living in India for a year and has plans to go there again next year after spending a couple of months at home.

I did not ever think that I would suffer the worst year of my life while in my 50s. Somehow, I felt that my “golden life” would continue. I don’t know why I thought I would end up going through life unscathed. Although I won’t go into details at this point, let me just say that there are some pains that seem worse than dealing with a death. I know I haven’t been through a lot of deaths in our family, and I’m not trying to minimize anyone’s pain. But betrayal is a pain that is purposely inflicted and is meant to cut deeply. Especially when it comes from someone who is so deeply loved.

My relationship with God has been truly tested. I think I almost lost my faith in Him; that He is who He says He is, and I can’t pick and choose what to believe. I almost lost my hope, which is a deadly place to be. He cradled me in His arms when the pain first began, but I decided to try it on my own. I wanted to be in “fix it” mode, but the situation was out of my control. I spiraled downward, not telling anyone the pain that I was feeling and that I felt I had truly failed at being a mom. God picked me back up when I finally cried out to him. The path is not always easy, but I now truly know that being in a solid relationship with God is the only place that I want to be. I know He’s real because I felt the emptiness when I turned away from Him.

My focus has ended up being on me during these last few years. However, I am still a mom. I can’t kiss all the hurts away, but my girls still call or text me if they’re not feeling well. I’m still one of the first they’ll contact with good news or sadness.  I do enjoy being a mom. And I enjoy being their friend.

I am not involved in a whole lot of service work. I don’t have the gift of service and it’s hard for me to feel like I fit into certain situations. I am still on the worship team at our church, singing and playing the keyboard. I’m not an accomplished musician by any means, but I am thrilled that I was able to learn how to play chords. I don’t think I would have done it if Steve hadn’t said, “Mom, I really need a keyboard player on my team. Just try it.” So, a book from Amazon on how to play chords…and I was set, at least for playing basic chords!

I want to tap into my creative side more now that I have so much spare time. My true desires are to paint pictures, both realistic and abstract, and to sculpt with clay. I have all of the supplies I need to get started, but I am letting fear stand in my way. Fear of failure or fear of success? Either way, I need to conquer that fear by just stepping out and doing something. I think that even though I am a messy person, I am a perfectionist. Therefore, if I don’t feel that I can do it right, I have a difficult time starting something.

I am still moving forward. Our marriage is probably the best it’s ever been. Not that it’s always perfect, but we know how to work through our difficulties quickly and nearly painlessly. We are both striving for the same goals in life, but we both have issues to overcome. Some days, it feels like we haven’t made much progress at all in over 30 years. But if we truly look at where we are, we can see how we’ve been blessed and that God is still working in and through us.

Through it all, I need to be sure to take a step back and look at the whole picture of my life. Through the struggles, through the pain, I will still continue to say that life is good. Because it truly is.

“My heart will choose to say, Lord, Blessed be your Name”.   (“Blessed Be Your Name”, Matt Redman)