Throwing Family Away

Although I should have a blog ready to post, I didn’t feel like posting what I’ve written. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and with our upcoming family get together, I was thinking about family gatherings through the years. So many wonderful memories, yet so many missing family members over the years. Some to death, some to location, some because they’ve decided to throw family away.

This will be my first Thanksgiving without having any of our children here to celebrate with us. That they won’t be here comes as no surprise to me because of what their circumstances are at this time in their lives. However, I know that only 2 of 3 of our adult children would choose to spend holidays with our family.

When I think back over our Thanksgiving traditions, I could easily say that we have food traditions. We have most of the basic “turkey and trimmings” feast, along with pumpkin and custard pies, corn casserole, and other desserts and side dishes that have come and gone over the years. We first start our Thanksgiving Day celebration by having breakfast with friends. Although I don’t have an exact number on how many years we’ve been doing that, I’d say it’s approaching 20 years.

Although the food traditions aren’t wrong in any way, and we have come to expect to have certain dishes served, food is just the centerpiece of our celebration. The centerpiece is what’s placed on the table for people to talk over and around. Our Thanksgiving tradition focuses on family. Although we are grateful and we do take the time to thank God for the blessings he’s bestowed on each one of us, family is the reason for the gathering. Current news is shared, eyes are rolled over hearing the same stories yet another time. Much laughter, some tears and heartache. Another Thanksgiving Day spent sharing life; bonds grown another year stronger.

How, then, can a person throw away everything that has to do with their family? I realize that there are broken families in the world where a person doesn’t feel loved or safe in any way. But what about the good families that have been broken because of one person deciding that they don’t want to be a part of that family anymore. I never thought that I would be part of a broken family. Tim and I have been happily married for 32 years and grow closer with each passing year. My parents have been married for 54 years—pretty sure I’m safe there. I never thought that a child would be the cause of our broken family.

How does a person feel when they have years of family traditions and memories? Do they try to incorporate some of those memories into new memories with their new family? Have those memories that mean so much to the rest of us, become like a poison to them so they try to purge them from their minds? Do they remember with fondness the family times we’ve all shared or are their memories tainted so that the very things that bring us together every year with expectation make them feel trapped, inferior, or somehow unloved?

Children don’t have a choice of what family they’re part of in the way that someone becomes part of a family through marriage. The growing-up years are typically full of stories, songs, quotes, traditions, foods, expectations, hurts, love and togetherness that help form who we become as an adult. If, by choice, we throw all of those things away, what does that leave us? Who are we without our past?

Those who choose to throw family away will quite possibly go on to have a wonderful Thanksgiving and will more than likely have much to be thankful for. Do they give any thought to the broken family that they’ve left behind? Do they know that although our table looks full and we still celebrate as a family, we will never be truly complete without them? Do they understand that part of our Thanksgiving Day prayer is for them to choose to come back?

Family is worth the effort. Family is worth working through whatever troubles may come along the way. Family is our heritage, both to receive and to pass on. Although our family is broken, we will continue our family Thanksgiving Day traditions with those who remain. We will connect in some way with those who can’t join us, we will be saddened by those who make the choice to stay away. But above all, we will continue to go to God with thanksgiving, knowing that He hears our prayers and will cover us with peace.

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!  Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.  Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4: 4-7 (italics added)

Don't Hate Me Because I'm Thin

Why is it considered okay to say rude things to skinny people? I don’t tell you that you’d feel a lot better in the heat if you didn’t have so much extra weight. Why can you tell me that I need more fat on me so that I don’t get so cold in the winter time? I don’t criticize you for wearing size 18 clothing, yet I was in a Christian conference and heard a Christian woman speaker say, from the stage, that she hates all of us in our size 2 jeans. Well, I had gone from a size 10-12 and I was so excited, for the first time that morning, to be able to fit into my size 2 jeans! I was truly offended and should have said something to her about it. Maybe I didn’t have quite the weight and eating problem that she had, but it took work and dedication to lose that weight in a healthy manner. People take one look at me and just assume, and say to my face, that I never have to worry about what I eat and that I’m so lucky to be thin.

About 7 years ago, I was becoming living proof of the middle-age spread. I was at my highest, non-pregnancy, weight and I felt frumpy all of the time. I looked in the mirror and definitely had the "Mrs. Doubtfire" belly going on. I didn’t feel good about myself and I realized that it had been a long time since anyone had said how skinny I was. I set out to lose weight.

My plan to lose weight was to cut calories. I know there were days that I was quite light-headed because I wasn’t consuming enough to support my body, but I was willing to pay that price. I was still eating, and a lot of days I just had fruits and vegetables.

I also started to exercise with more intensity. Between using the treadmill and doing a 3-2-1 (cardio-toning-core) workout, I exercised for about an hour each day. For me, that’s pretty extreme!

I didn’t weigh myself at the very beginning of my weight-loss plan, but I lost at least 20 pounds in about 4 months. I even dropped below my goal weight.

I actually weigh less than most height/weight charts say that I should. But I have quite small bone structure, so I do take that into account with my weight.

Gradually, over the next few years, my weight started to go back up. I never did get as heavy as I had been when I was in size 12 jeans, but I was feeling flabby and frumpy again. I was “skinny fat”, not toned and in good shape. And I believed the lie that a calorie is a calorie and ate pretty much whatever I wanted to eat. Scientifically, that’s probably true, but it’s not true in how the calories affected my body.

Two years ago, I wanted to change my eating style and decided to do a 30-day primal/paleo challenge for my health. My weight wasn’t really that bad but I never seemed to be able to lose my belly flab. I could tell that I had abs behind the belly fat, but it was the pooch that was obvious. After doing some research, I decided that maybe this eating and exercise plan would be good for me.

In 30 days of being strict with the program (high fat, high protein, low carb), I ended up losing 5 pounds that I wasn't even trying to lose. The exercise plan was moderate and helped to get me better toned than I had been before. And it was at the end of these 30 days that I was able to get into my size 2 jeans. My previous diet and exercise plan had made me look good on the scale by the weight I’d lost, but this plan made a difference in my body shape and how I felt.

Once I was done with the 30 days, I allowed treats along the way (especially since it was fall and was getting to be holiday time!). But overall, I stayed true to my eating plan and I felt great.  I held on to that basic weight for about a year, until I hit a rough spot in my life due to circumstances beyond my control. 

Unfortunately, the start of the rough spot easily led into holiday eating, which I wasn’t so careful with this time around. I’d eat poorly for a while, would commit to healthy eating, and then would slip up again. My weight finally started to climb and my clothes didn’t fit as well as they had. I didn’t put on much weight, but I felt the flabbiness coming back. I also had cut back on exercising since I had no energy for that type of activity.

After about a year of half-heartedly living a primal lifestyle, with the eating and exercise plan, I’ve committed once again to making a true effort to take care of myself the way that I have found is best for me. I am not happy with how I look or feel when I am not eating and exercising properly. It’s not about how much I weigh, it’s how I feel about myself. I do tend to naturally be on the thinner side, but as my life was showing me, it was easy for me to continue easing up the size chart. I’m not saying that being heavier or wearing larger clothes is a bad thing. If I could be well-toned at a heavier weight, that would be fine with me. But my body naturally goes to the size I am when I eat and exercise well. I am not going to be an extreme weight lifter just to bulk up so I weigh more.

My goal right now is to eat properly at home and to enjoy occasional treats along the way. I had chocolate chip ice cream with pecans and caramel topping the other night. But I had about half of my typical serving size. I try to limit high-carb restaurants, although the $5 footlong specials at Subway and the $10 dinner box at Pizza Hut are 2 of my easiest temptations. And I do give in to them. I just try to be sure there’s a decent amount of time between our visits to those restaurants because I know they’re not good for me to have on a regular basis. I eat a lot of eggs, try to eat fish a couple of times a week, I eat grass-fed beef, and need to include chicken into the menu more often. I eat pork less often, but enjoy it once a month or so. I enjoy eating fruit and need to be more deliberate about eating vegetables. I use butter, olive oil and coconut oil liberally; fat does not make me fat. Sugar and processed foods is what makes me fat. Breads and pasta (which I truly enjoy) are more of a treat instead of a staple like it had been all of my life.

My exercise regimen consists more of strength training using my own body weight. I do use hand weights and a kettle bell, but I also do squats, push ups (not many and not in good form yet), planks, lunges, crunches, and various stretches. I don't work out to the point of exhaustion. I have a certain amount of reps that I do and I stop when I'm done. I can feel that my muscles are getting a good work out, and I will notice a difference in my body shape. But I don't get to the point of feeling like I can't move because I worked my body beyond the point of exhaustion. I honestly don't think that overdoing exercise on a regular basis is healthy for my body. I am not an active person so this type of exercise helps me to look and feel healthier.

We hear so much about bullying. Verbal bullying seems to be at its height in society. I would get so much flack if I said, “I hate you because you’re black” or “I hate you because you’re fat”. Why, then, is it acceptable in society to say, “I hate you because you’re so skinny”? If I am healthy, active, and enjoying life, rejoice with me don’t judge me. Hate is an ugly word however it’s used in reference to people (although I do hate cold weather)—be very careful how you throw it around.

FamilyTravel

This week, I’m actually making my post from Salt Lake City, where we’re visiting our daughter, Carla. We chose to drive from Illinois to Utah, as we did last year, instead of flying out. I, myself, would rather fly. So little time is spent on travel which means more time spent at our destination. But on the other hand, so little time is spent on travel, which means there are so many sights left unseen. We also enjoy the “windshield time”, where we talk, listen to books on cd, and enjoy each other’s company with nowhere else to go. Tim has been itching for a road trip, and since he does almost all of the driving, a road trip it is.

We started to travel when our kids were 3, 5, and 7 years old. Our first destination was Camp Elohim, near Troy, Montana—a little jaunt about 1700 miles one way. Each of the kids had their own activity tub that held a variety of things such as coloring books, markers, small games, and toys of their choosing. It was a good size to fit on their lap as a “desk” or to easily slide under their seats. They started out as good travelers even at their young ages.

That trip was the beginning of our annual family vacations. For a while, it seemed that we’d go west one year and then go east the next year. We realized that, as a homeschooling family, it made sense to occasionally travel in the fall when other kids were in school since there were typically fewer crowds to deal with. We started out camping on vacations, and sometimes just sleeping in the van, but then decided that it was much easier to stop at motels. Camping was good if we were going to be set up for a few days, but to get everything set up and torn down for a quick overnight stop was more trouble than it was worth. And we were quite willing to stay at inexpensive motels. Once again, if we couldn’t find a place to stay within our price range, we’d sleep in the van. Or Carla and I would sleep in the van and the others would sleep on a picnic table or on an available large rock.

Through our family vacations, we managed to hit all of the contiguous states except Louisiana. We had plans to stay there and spend one last day on the beach, but the weather was bad so we headed north in Mississippi. We should have driven on into Louisiana and then gone north just so we could say we’d been there. We did take one last vacation with only the girls, and we ended up visiting Louisiana. By this time, Tim and Laura had already been there on a hurricane disaster relief mission trip. As a family, 4 out of 5 of us ended up going to all 48 states. We also went to, or through, 4 Canadian provinces: British Columbia, Ontario,  Quebec, and New Brunswick.

Travel is a part of who we are as a family. We had one minor car accident, a totally flooded tent, and a stern lecture from me to everyone about how the Grand Canyon might not give you a second chance if you fall. We stayed with our Congressman and his family when we visited Washington, DC. We went to Florida more than once, but never went to Disney World or any of the other theme parks. We stayed in a 3-bedroom apartment right by the beach for only $30 a night thanks to Tim’s time in the Air Force.

We took part in a seal rescue, enjoyed a kite-flying festival on a beach, went whale watching, and camped in a spot so windy that I had to cook in the tent (not recommended!). We had a private tour of a nuclear submarine that was docked for maintenance. We learned that the Omaha Zoo is a great place to spend the day when your transmission is being rebuilt. We hauled a miniature horse in the back of our van from Oregon to Illinois with a week spent in Montana on the way. We’ve enjoyed beaches on the Pacific and Atlantic Oceans, the Gulf of Mexico, Lake Michigan, and numerous smaller lakes and rivers.

Although we would sometimes go to a museum or other man-made point of interest, most of our vacation time was spent enjoying nature. Water, trees and rocks seemed to be what drew us to them. Rocks to climb, rocks to collect. Digging holes in the sand, skipping rocks in the water, playing in the waves even if it’s cold enough that the kids’ lips turn blue. Hiking through forests, playing in creeks, enjoying the beauty and sound of waterfalls. Simple pleasures that are enduring memories.

I could fill pages with memories of so many vacations. I plan to focus on a few of those memories in upcoming writings, but I wanted to give a bit of an introduction on how travel became such a big part of our lives. I thoroughly enjoy our home and I am typically a homebody. However, travel is in our blood and there is so much to see and experience beyond the end of our driveway. The whole world is ours to explore.

Passion

Passion

I’ve heard it said that passion is what gets you out of bed in the morning. Well, what gets me out of bed in the morning is that I feel it’s ridiculous to keep lying around in bed when I have stuff to do. Am I passionate about the things that need to be done? No, I’m not. I just know that, even if I don’t accomplish much during the day, at least it will be more than I’d get done by just being in bed.

The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines passion as a strong feeling of enthusiasm or excitement for something or about doing something. I am not an overly enthusiastic or easily excitable person. That’s just not how I’m wired. But when we’re told to follow our passion, to let God develop our passion, we should be willing to use our passions for God.

Of course, I had, and still have, a passion for my family. The focus of the passion has changed over the years, as I’ve gone from being mommy, teacher, nurse, counselor, referee, and law enforcer to just being Mom. Mom, who is still a counselor, long distance nurse, and most importantly, friend. But a passion for family is pretty much a given—I think it’s inherent in most moms. Even in the midst of this passion I had a strong sense of selfishness. My life wasn’t always about what was best for my husband or our children.

I have had various passions that come and go depending on the season of my life. My kids always cringed when I got on a health-kick passion. That meant natural peanut butter, more vegetables and not very many snack foods in the house. But I’d get tired of the extra effort it took and we’d slowly revert back to our normal way of eating—not overly healthy, but much more convenient. Not truly a passion, but a passing fad. I had a passion for miniature horses when I raised them. But even with that, the passion faded over the years and now I’d say that I’m a person who likes horses; I am not a horse person.

I was somewhat passionate about home schooling, 4-H, various church ministries simply because that’s what I was involved with at the time. Were they passions that I would fight for? Except for being able to educate our kids at home, I’d say that the others were more of a past time than a passion.

I am passionate about reading books. Not books that really educate or enlighten my life, just books that are for my entertainment. We have a houseful of books, many of which I’ve never read. Most of what I read comes from the library, or more recently, is downloaded onto my Kindle. I like books. I am thrilled when I see pictures of a room full of books. Our whole family likes books and enjoys reading them and owning them. Our shelves overfloweth. But what, in the realm of eternity, does that even matter?

I want to have a passion in my life that makes a difference. Not something that I obsess about, but something that truly moves my heart. As I am thinking about this, though, does personality make a difference in how we see passion? As I said, I am not an overly excitable person. Although I laugh, have fun, and enjoy life, I stay pretty much in control of my emotions. I don’t shout out at ball games, I don’t shout out during worship services. That’s just not who I am.

I have seen people who would be described as being passionate about a cause, but all they really do is talk about it. They’ll argue, debate, quote—whatever it might take to underline their passion. But do they ever put their passion into action? Are they trying to find a place, even on the local level or behind the scenes, where they can work to support their cause? Do they take even a small portion of their hard-earned money and donate it to those who are in position to carry out the mission? Are they willing to take their vacation time and pay to go serve in their area of passion?

A passionate worshiper might not be the one with hands raised, singing with the loudest voice (in perfect harmony, of course) or jumping and shouting as the Spirit seems to move. Passion may move more deeply and quietly in some people. Perhaps God is speaking directly to a heart as that person stands there quietly with arms crossed, not singing a word. Are we up in front looking “spiritual” for the benefit for those around us or is our worship personal? Not that we don’t have outward expressions of worship, but who are the expressions for? To make us seem to be more passionate or because we are truly worshipping our Creator God?

I feel that being passionate is a matter of being obedient to God’s calling. If He has called me to support a ministry or a mission, I should learn more about it, pray about it, give financial support as I’m able, and share what I know about it with friends and family. Maybe I can even volunteer in some capacity, especially if the ministry is local.  

I sometimes feel that we get overwhelmed by all of the causes in the world and we feel that we can’t handle the pressure to support them all. That, in my opinion, is the good news: more than likely, we aren’t called to support them all. We can pray for each and every cause that we come across, but there will be those that tug more at our heartstrings. Those that we think about at random times of the day. Those are the causes we should be passionate about, not only with our words but with our actions. Praying for what we’re passionate about can increase our passion all the more as we see God working in and through us.

Through those prayers, our passion can increase. Our passion can make a difference in the world. True passion can make a difference in me.